reverse trigonometry

Hello, who am I speaking with? Eleanor… and that’s with two E’s? Well, non-consecutive, obviously. And you are a… manager or supervisor? Actually, what is your exact title? Hang on, let me get a different mechanical pencil, because after the experience I just had, I am taking notes, which I plan to turn over to the Better Business Bureau, if necessary. All right, got it. Oh, my tracking number is 5694…306…618… do you need me to slow down? Okay, just making sure: 47294…05739…well, it’s easier for me to read if I break it into sections like this, okay? Let’s see here, where were we… oh, and it ends in 149. You’re not seeing it? Let’s try it again, all at once: 56943066184729405739419. Okay, much better. Well, Eleanor, I wanted to speak with you about one of your customer service representatives that I just got off the phone with. Yes, her name was Critter Goldengraham, and during our call, Ms. Goldengraham was curt, openly dismissive of my concerns, and not at all informative. Her refusal to treat me with the merest modicum of human decency turned what should have been a brief query for your contracting firm regarding the custom Sega Genesis installation you just did on the ceiling above my indoor hot tub, into a morning-long debacle that escalated, or rather devolved, depending on your perspective, into a shouting match that spanned the call’s final 90 minutes. I have never felt so frustrated, exhausted, or, most of all, disrespected in all of my life. Additionally, I’m pretty sure I have fallen in love with her. Let me tell you something, Eleanor; I spend a LOT of money and time getting women to abuse me over the phone, but Critter was in a class by herself. She so thoroughly broke my will that after the call I had to stifle the impulse to cleanse myself by touching a hot stove the exact same way 200 times. So, how about it, lady- you gonna send me her home address or what? I wanna weird out on this broad and I am not gonna be stopped, so you might as well profit from it. What’s your game, dollface? Bootleg Gucci handbags, secret poker games, human cockfighting? I got underworld connections like you wouldn’t believe. And I’m not just talking about my shady business partners either; I also wield quite a bit of influence back in Niil’Kelash, the subterranean home of wandering doomed souls in the afterlife. I’m an old fashioned guy, Eleanor, and I’m determined to make an honest woman out of Critter. Who knows- if this thing goes according to plan, you could be called to offer testimony on our behalf at our wedding in the very throne room of the Dark Emperor himself, Fwecc-Mehebel (some interpretations of the prophecy did say that the Selector of Gnelken shall marry a woman named for a cat, so fingers crossed!). Then, upon the recitation of our vows, we shall drink from the Skull of BeHok Ne’enb, then, our wings fully grown at last, we will ascend into the sky for the first time as husband and wife. With the legion of Laolti flying at our backs, our numbers shall block out the sun as we rend the flesh of the terrified nonbelievers to announce the beginning of His eternal reign over the conquered and enslaved heretics. This oath I seal with my blood: all hail the holy name of Fwecc-Mehebel, forever. Amen and amen.


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December 2011
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