yours truly is in no mood to refer to himself in the third person

All right, gentlemen, it looks like everyone is here. I’d like to begin by mentioning how appreciative we are that everyone was able to make it on such short notice. I trust you all understand that we would not have called you away from your obligations elsewhere had not the subject of this meeting been as urgent as it is time-sensitive. For your troubles we have provided some delicious finger sandwiches, which will be made available when your cell phones are returned to you at the conclusion of this briefing. Now to the business at hand: I am pleased to announce that several decades of tireless work by our research and development team has at last yielded the achievement that should put us comfortably ahead of our competitors in the firearms manufacturing business for a generation. That’s right, boys. We’re talking about a gun that shoots knives.
To be sure, such a paradigm-shifting breakthrough is bound to raise quite a few questions, but please keep your hands down until the end. Hopefully this orientation will provide answers to most of them. To wit: is the gun that shoots knives extremely dangerous to use? Is it prohibitively expensive to maintain and keep loaded? Moreover, is it messy? The answer to all of these questions is most definitely in the affirmative, particularly the last one, as these slides of the gun that shoots knives being tested on live javelina hogs will attest. But despite its horrible impracticality, we believe this remarkable creation will have appeal due to the considerable status and respect commanded only by owners of a weapon that virtually guarantees a closed-casket funeral for its targets. In fact, you might say the gun that shoots knives is perfect for when you’ve worked really hard on an important presentation, only to have some cutup in the back possibly ruin it all by making snide comments under his breath. Am I making myself perfectly clear, Johnson?
I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone that we’re gonna need to keep a lid on this thing for as long as we can, so no talking to the media, even the friendly outlets, as the gun that shoots knives is still not completely ready and we don’t want a repeat of ’88. The final stage of field testing dovetails with the first stage of our marketing strategy, which as per usual, is to leak a few of these to some gang members. After a few reports on the evening news about Bloods and Crips killing each other with guns that shoot knives, we fully expect to corner such coveted demographics as males between the ages of 33-39 who have a samurai sword prominently displayed in their dens, sexy female assassins between the ages of 16-48, and divorced cigarette boat-owning males between the ages of 48-55 whose online dating profiles say they’re seeking females between the ages of 22-26.


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January 2012
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