21
Mar
12

heist cream

“You’re a terrible liar,” she said, setting the legal pad down on the counter after checking Cal’s writing for spelling errors.
“Well, you wouldn’t want to be married to a good liar, would you?”
He had a point. The wedding was only four days away, but Gloriana had experienced no doubt, and didn’t expect to. She was willing to overlook the numerous ways he would prove useless, like being unable to take care of this pretty simple task. She could add it to the list of things at which he had proven inept, and that she would have to spend the rest of their lives preventing him from fucking up at: renewing his driver’s license, painting the house, not getting thrown out of Dolphin World due to a misunderstanding. But what could she do. He was a fat, dumb guy and she was a good-looking girl who fell in love on a television show on which they were both secondary characters whose romance had been made a story arc on the show’s penultimate season once the writers had run out of ideas for either character. And though they had had a whirlwhind courtship that sometimes had felt kind of hastily thrown-together, she knew it was gonna be forever with this motherfucker. Because despite the many ways they were obviously incompatible, he hadn’t been wrong when he told her great-grandfather that they had the kind of sex “I’ll still be remembering when I’m your age.”
Gloriana didn’t fight him on this one. She was going to have to pick her battles, and just as she had once resigned herself to the inevitability of his saying something embarrassing but ultimately endearing in the Season 7 Christmas episode, having provided a comedic backdrop to the greater will-they-or-won’t-they several-season story arc that had been unfolding between the series’ male and female leads, she let the ad run in the newspaper: “FOR SALE: one twin bed, lightly used. Gently masturbated in. Call 555-5555.” (So weird that that’s still our number, she thought for the millionth time.) But as a sassy ethnic character, she had not allowed his sometimes cute, although lately getting kind of stale and one-dimensional, buffoonery to go entirely uncommented upon.
“You calling this a bed is crazy, Boo. It’s just a mattress and a box spring with no frame and a sleeping bag draped over it.”

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