alexander, the egg salad salamander

So I said to the guy, “two things, pal. First, I don’t look like Howard Stern. Second, if you don’t like people dressing in costume, stay the fuck out the Olde Tyme Renaissance Faire.” And everybody started clapping! Oh, let me call you back, Grandma, I think I have a customer. So, what can I do for you? Oh, you’re from the college newspaper and want to do a feature piece about the overlooked local characters that make our town a rich cultural experience for students willing to venture off-campus? Wow, a clip of that article could look really good in an internship application, friend. I’d be happy to answer your questions for free- here, let me turn over one of these buckets so you can have a seat. Hmmm, how did I get my start. Well, let’s see, I guess it was when my guidance counselor gave me a test to determine what career I should pursue, and it came back “busker”. I was pretty excited because I had always wanted to work on a Midwestern corn farm, but then she told me what a busker did, and I got even more excited! Later I got a letter in the mail from the folks that administered the test informing me there was a typo on my results and that it was supposed to say “busboy”, but by then I had already bought this cool hat with a feather in it. As honored as I was to be an artist, I was also pretty nervous, seeing as now it was only six seeks until graduation and I didn’t know how to play an instrument. How could I compete with the guy that plays Hindustani classical music by the Maple Street Glory Hole, who is an internationally recognized virtuoso at both the bansuri and sitar? Gradually, though, I found my niche, and with lot of practice I got better at the slide whistle, although I definitely have a ways to go. It takes me anywhere between three and four years to really master a song, so my catalog is still pretty narrow. Business is picking up, too. I even got in a corner-rotating agreement with a couple other guys so I get pretty good locations, plus it never hurts to get your business card circulating in different parts of town. Been making decent money playing this illegal beta fish fighting tournament they do every Monday, and on Thursdays Salvatore’s Italian restaurant is pretty busy, so you can usually serenade a few tables before the maitre d’ notices and calls the cops. Any other questions? Huh, not sure how this is any of your business, but I guess my favorite scene of Dazed and Confused is the one with the Pier One Imports sign accidentally in the background. Well, I hope I gave you enough to work with, but I gotta get back to work. So, what do you want to hear: Hall & Oates’ “Maneater”, “Battle Hymn of the Republic”, or “Reloaded” by Smif-N-Wessun?


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March 2012
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