the arbor day iguana is really your parents

Hi, Dad. I hope you don’t mind me turning off the television, but I have a few things I think we need to talk about before I leave for college tomorrow. Ever since the horrible car accident that left you permanently in a vegetative state, life has been tough for all of us. Mom and Angie and I miss you so much: your hugs, your goofy laugh, your great ghost stories when our friends would sleep over. Yours was a spirit so full of joy, so vital, that it didn’t seem possible your voice could be silenced. And now I don’t even know if you can feel me stroking your hand, much less hear what I’m saying, but I hope that on some level, you can understand, if not my words, then my love. The doctors told us there was no way of knowing how capable you were of perceiving the world around you, but if you had much awareness at all, you probably know that high school wasn’t easy for me. Ninth grade’s a hard time to lose your dad, and I really lost my way for a while. My grades didn’t seem that important anymore, and I couldn’t seem to find direction in my life. What can I say: the various male role models I looked to in the ensuing years- my jayvee basketball coach that only paid attention to the good players; or Brandon, my shift manager at Red Lobster; or LaVell, the old guy in the club- just couldn’t measure up to you. I’m really sorry for that night my junior I was too thoughtless to move your bed into the other room before sparking up a joint with a girl and fingering her while we watched Alien Vs Predator 2. That was a pretty weird thing to do, but when Stacey Rosen tells you she’s into something, you go with it. Gotdamb, dad, from the side she looks like a muhfucking dollar sign. If you are capable of any conscious thought, you had something else to drool about that night, if you know what I’m sayin. Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, I should have been doing more to help Mom around the house, and instead I was just giving her one more thing to worry about. But despite my missteps, I’m going to devote the rest of my life to becoming a man that would make you proud. I’m not letting this scholarship go to waste. I’m gonna study hard, so I can realize my entrepreneurial dreams, which range from an ebay business selling antique crushed-velvet couches with original asbestos upholstery intact, to my business model for a chain of high end sex dungeons.


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April 2012
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