Wow, Marcie. There are many words that could be used to describe your theory that our parents might be swingers- “horrifying” comes most readily to mind- but after the case you’ve laid before us, I think I speak for the rest of our siblings when I say that “baseless” is no longer among them. Before we go any further, I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies for the many, many times we all beat you senseless for making this claim repeatedly over the years. Let’s take a quick inventory of the items introduced in your exhaustively researched and sourced presentation.
I don’t know how Marcie was able to procure the duffle bag that Mom always carried out to the car before returning to tell us to be good while they were “playing hearts at the McAllisters,” followed by a knowing nod and giggle exchanged between her and Dad, but this is quite a find. Chad, would you please put down the Ziploc bag containing all those prepaid cell phones and listen? This is important. As Francis rummages through the contents of the bag, careful to use the utmost discretion in the presence of our youngest siblings, it strikes me that “Durex” would have a been a great name for any number of consumer products; seems a little surprising that it still would have been available by the time a condom manufacturer could have snatched it up. Yes, Greg, you’re right, I should really get back on task here; I apologize. Lastly, and perhaps most disturbingly, here is an envelope containing one RSVP for an event hosted by a Madame Spouseshtupper addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Tom Braider”, and a second invitation addressed to “Don Keykong and Guest,” which casts the recent interest shown by our folks in Jamie’s video games in a most unfortunate light.
Children have a deep need to view their parents as completely non-sexual beings, so I appreciate everyone’s courage and maturity in this matter even as each of us begins to eye every piece of furniture in the house with fresh suspicion, wondering what could have happened in the den, the kitchen, or atop the piano while we were all at camp. We need to stick together, remembering the familial ties that bind us even as we begin to ask the difficult paternity questions that will inevitably be raised by this discovery. And while this dossier lacks a smoking gun like, say, grainy video footage in which Dad says “girl, I am high on tiger penis right now” to a woman that is clearly not Mom while Mom shouts directions from behind the camera in that voice she uses when Dad leaves his slacks draped over the chair instead of putting them in the hamper, I think we can all agree that there’s certainly enough here to act on. Yes, Barry, I realize that was awfully specific, but I can assure you that it was pure speculation and not a repressed memory surfacing. Look, it’s been a long night, guys; let’s adjourn this family meeting. Andrew and I will start shopping around for a less lecherous retirement community in the morning.

Big thanks to R.M. Fraijo. She plants em, I waters em.


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May 2012
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