my mama gave me very little to shake

Congratulations, young men. Your presence at this secret debriefing can be attributed to your having demonstrated considerable aptitude in one or more areas of skill, as determined by the scientists in lab coats that have been taking exhaustive notes on their clipboards while silently, creepily observing you all on the other side of the two-way glass of each of the mirrors which have been strategically placed in the corridors, classrooms and lavatories of our facility. You’re all smart boys; surely by now you have deduced the unlikelihood of our having plucked you out of your orphanages and failing inner-city high schools and invited you to matriculate on our idyllic, tree-lined campus without having some ulterior motive in mind. If you will direct your attention to slide A, you will find a picture of the experimental drug that we will begin putting into your food in varying doses at an undisclosed time. We encourage you to keep going about your everyday business as if nothing were out of the ordinary, as our observation team will be tracking any potential changes that might manifest themselves in your studies, athletic prowess, or classroom behavior. The only reason we are even divulging this information is to ask that you be very careful not to boast of your newfound ability to dunk on a 12 foot goal, or write a particularly thorough take-down of your roommate’s essay linking the rise of agrarian societies to a better treatment of those members who would not have made good hunters in generations past, not even as part of a class assignment, but just to take him down a peg or two. Furthermore, we must not upset the uneasy alliance between warring factions of elite private academies that has kept us afloat thus far until we are ready to strike at their hearts like a drug-aided cobra at regionals next spring. Your participation will be rewarded with incentives, such as early eligibility in our upcoming program that will turn even our middling and sub-achieving students into a race of supermen that will be lorded over by you. Placement in the program will be determined by your Busby rating, a number calculated by multiplying your accuracy rate of quoting the lyrics to the Doobie Brothers’ 1973 hit “China Grove” by the amount of time your pets wait after your death before chewing your face off.


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May 2012
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