there is no lowercase l in “team”

Glad you could see me on such short notice, Mr. Calabria. I wish I had better news to share with you, but I thought you’d probably prefer to see these numbers before the next shareholders’ meeting. Brace yourself before opening that file folder, sir. We fell well short of our projected profits again this quarter, and the numbers are so bad that as your chief financial officer, I’m beginning to fear for the continued viability of your empire of adult videos and novelties. Consider the list of disappointing projects we’ve undertaken of late. Well, to name one, your newly opened chain of strip clubs failed to sustain the momentum engendered by its spectacular debut once word got out that the only thing “barely legal” about those dancers was their immigration status. And though I’m aware of your commitment to get a tentacle in even the remotest corners of the market, the fact is that some of our more specific fetish categories have simply become too expensive to produce. You want girls to use oversized scissors to cut bubblegum out of their hair, you gotta shell out top dollar. I mean, you only get one take to capture something like that, and after that, the girl’s on the shelf until her hair grows back. Lot of directors can’t handle that kind of pressure, and while the audience for that stuff has a cultlike level of devotion, there just aren’t enough viewers out there to get much of a return on our investment. Speaking of fetishes, you know that new sexy librarian movie that’s just a cute chick in glasses picking her nose and wiping it between the pages of the collected works of Robert Louis Stevenson? Turns out they used actual library books, so now legal doesn’t think we can release it. Furthermore, now that the hot dogging craze is starting to subside, we’ve got a few things in production that are unlikely to move many units, which- oh, hot dogging? You know, when you TF a girl’s butt cheeks? Yeah, it’s hot as hell. Look, guys like you and me, we didn’t get into this business to make money. We just wanted to jack the fuck off while watching oily, muscular dudes get nards-deep in some milves, am I right? But our investors don’t understand that, so I gotta throw them a bone. Which reminds me, our movie of the same title is gonna be a couple of weeks behind schedule while we look for a new caterer for craft services. Yes, again. Well, they didn’t want to wear raincoats. We’re getting off topic here. Basically, the only thing I can think of to suggest is a line of premium sex toys that don’t look too obvious when your suitase is under the x-ray machine at the airport. I realize a beige vibrator that looks like it was designed by Texas Instruments sounds counterintuitive, but there’s a market for this sort of thing. I got a buddy that’s making a killing since he opened up a head shop that specializes in smoking apparatuses that don’t look like they belong in some idiot’s dorm room.


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June 2012
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