07
Nov
12

!pso facto

Ending weeks and months of rampant, fervent, and admittedly reckless and irresponsible speculation, a press conference has been announced, during which it will finally be confirmed that the rumors are true. That’s right, all of them: a daily breakfast consisting of eggs and coffee will both shorten and extend your life. Those are legit sex moans on the bridge of Guns N’ Roses’ “Rocket Queen.” If you play as Luigi and finish World 5-1 with exactly 22 lives without using the warp zone, hit the fifth brick you see on the next level and you’ll get a chainsaw. A disgruntled employee at the Domino’s across from your dorm jacks off onto every third pizza. The never-released director’s cut of Steel Magnolias contains a scene in which Olympia Dukakis punches an alien while sneering “welcome to Earf.” Russell Evans fingered Katie Genarro on three separate occasions the summer before tenth grade, one of which occurred under a blanket at Sean Strothers’ Fourth of July pool party, while they were sitting like seriously two feet away from Sean’s grandma. Argentinian President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was never a baby; she exited the womb fully grown, exquisitely dressed, and magnificently coiffed. The Milwaukee Brewers have traded Ryan Braun, Norichika Aoki, and Santo Manzanillo for the poison-jelly-spitting dinosaur that ate Newman in Jurassic Park. We have obtained pictures of the Papal Penis; I have personally seen them, and my friend, it is as advertised. The little gilded hat they have for it is simultaneously majestic and adorable. If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Go ahead and check: I’ll just stand back here.

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