21
Nov
12

people will say we’re in lovecraft

The cold sweats. The trembling knees. That terror that fills your heart as you feel their eyes upon you. Oh god, it’s happening again, isn’t it? Not so fast, friend; it doesn’t have to be this way anymore. I’m Gilroy Barnett, and I’m here to give you the tools to take back control of your life. Don’t get me wrong: our nation’s centuries-old love affair with petting zoos is one of the things that made us a great civilization, but as petting zoos have played a rapidly increasing role in our social customs and decorums the last few years, dizzying advances in petting zoo techniques and etiquette have left many otherwise productive citizens struggling to keep up with their peers. And darn it, you deserve better. So don’t get passed over for that big promotion again just because you couldn’t properly handle a rabbit at last year’s office holiday party. My no-nonsense, tough love approach to petting zoo coaching will guarantee results, provided you’re strong enough to handle getting constantly screamed at for five eight-hour sessions before I spend the sixth and final session building you back up. Get the confidence you need to pet the shit out of all the animals- yes, even geese. Stroke, caress, and nuzzle a yearling lamb with the sophisticated, assured air of a seasoned professional. Get their gross barnyard smell all over your clothes and act like it doesn’t bother you. Stroll breezily through your high school reunion free at last of the crippling fear that you’re going to accidentally step on a bunch of baby chicks. Stare boldly into the fucked up Kermit the Frog eyes of a Toggenburg goat as he eats pellets from your hand with his fucking scary teeth. By the time you’ve completed our course, you’ll be so comfortable around disgusting, dirt-caked piglets that you won’t even feel the need to use the hand sanitizer when going from the petting zoo at your niece’s wedding reception to the buffet table. With my help, you’ll never again spend the car ride home from a swank dinner party tearfully thinking up awesome comebacks for the smartass that made fun of the little scream you let out when that Muscovy duck came out of nowhere to startle you with its horrible mutant turkey face. Next time, toss that jerkwad your car keys and make him do the driving- you’re gonna need the backseat to make out with all the attractive people you impressed by keeping your shit together around some roosters.

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1 Response to “people will say we’re in lovecraft”


  1. 1 Coryzon
    July 29, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Haha, this is my favorite. It’s coming from some bloody place just around the heart.


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