Archive for January, 2014


golfwang amadeus mozart

“Say, that’s quite a band you’ve got there, Miller. Your boys are really hot.”
“Thanks; you picked a good time to finally accept my invitation to catch a rehearsal. That new third-chair clarinet player we’ve got has made all the difference. So, what do you think of the new song?”
“The one with all those repeated arpeggios? Oh, we’ll be hearing that one on the Hit Parade all summer! What do you call it?”
“‘In the Mood.'”
“‘In the Mood?'”
“Yeah, because when I wrote it I was horny as shit.”
“I was just about to say, those dueling saxophone solos remind me of when you feel like you’re walking around with a huge rod, just looking for the nearest place to stick it in.”
“Yeah, where you’re riding the bus or at the supermarket and you look around and realize that you’d happily copulate with literally every woman of consenting age in your field of view? Yeah man, I’m that way all the time.”
“Even during concerts?”
“Oh, that’s when it’s worst. Sometimes the band’s really going, and the trombones remind you of a train going in and out of a tunnel. Lordy, I’m breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.”
“I know what you mean. During rehearsal I kept finding myself imagining the drummer just spanking the heck out of some girl’s buns.”
“Yeah, it’s rough conducting in those conditions. All those eyes on you? It’s like middle school; I have to wear like four pairs of XXS briefs up there.”
“Well, you’ve got to have a ton of ladies waiting for you after the show though, right?”
“True, true. But you’d be surprised how many of them call me Henry or Arthur.”


holding hands at arm’s length

“Be careful with that, it looks heavy,” Barbara told the two men unloading the Lomaxes’ new dishwater, her tone leaving uncertain whether she had meant it out of concern for the delivery men’s safety or the dishwasher’s. Clouds covered the sky, fall leaves covered everything else. 
A Buick, just arrived from the hairdresser, issued two stacatto beeps at the unfamiliar truck blocking her driveway before Barbara trotted over to explain.
“Oh Gladys, I’m so sorry. This just seemed like the safest path to our front door, so they don’t have to go around the hedges on our side. I knocked to ask permission, but now I see you weren’t home.” The delivery men looked relieved to have Barbara’s attention drawn elsewhere.
“Did Herb not answer the door?” Gladys asked.”That’s odd.”
“I thought he must have been playing golf this morning. I rang the doorbell. Twice, just to make sure.”
Barbara recognized the look that passed across Gladys’ face and suddenly felt very aware of the truck.
“Just pull in behind them,” she said, gesturing with her hand. “They won’t be out until they’ve finished loading the old one on.” She tried to say it calmly. Maybe he was in the bathroom. He wouldn’t have gone out back into his woodshop without anyone else home.

January 2014