Archive for February 12th, 2014


that’s a medium sized 10-4, good buddy

All right, boys; it’s time to buckle down. Just got word from upstairs that employers all over the nation are demanding some daring new advances in toilet paper for the workplace. Seems they’re tired of losing valuable hours of productivity by having employees use the restroom while on the job, and while it’s still technically illegal simply not to provide a working restroom for employees, a little-known loophole allows employers to disincentivize restroom breaks by making it incredibly uncomfortable to relieve oneself on company time. To that end, we’re gonna have to fashion our flimsiest, most abrasive toilet paper to date or risk losing some big clients. Now, I don’t need to remind you all about the importance of making sure our end-line users draw blood each and every time they wipe. Each time some schlub decides to wait till he or she gets home rather than cram a wad of itchy paper into their swimsuit area in a practice that only mocks the idea of personal hygiene, we’ve done our job. And not just for our customers, either-if we play our cards right, we could save enough on wood pulp to equal several employees’ salaries, thus preventing layoffs here at the plant, at least until next quarter. It won’t be easy, and the clock is ticking: rumor has it that Scottissue’s got something in development with an accidentally-stick-your-finger-through-the-paper-and-up-your-own-ass rate of 7.6%. Seven point fucking six percent! That would have been unthinkable when I broke into the industry, back when all you punks were in diapers and had no need for toilet paper.

February 2014