Archive for September 10th, 2014


lazier beam

Good morning, Mr. Guidry. Let me begin by apologizing for any rough treatment you may have received en route to this undisclosed location. I’d like to add that on a personal level, I’m especially sorry for the use of the black hood and leg shackles which, while they may have seemed a touch dramatic, were absolutely necessary for your protection during transit. Although I’m afraid I am not at liberty to tell you much more about where we are other than to say we’re roughly one thousand feet underground in a virtually indestructible bunker, you are certainly due the best explanation that our national security concerns will allow me to provide.
As you are no doubt aware, next week President Bush will be throwing out the ceremonial first pitch before Game Three of the World Series, an event that has taken on much greater importance in light of last month’s tragic attacks on U.S. soil. The resumption of our traditions and customs is a vital step toward healing from this national tragedy, and the President feels that a smoking fastball right down Broadway could help boost the American people’s confidence at this critical time, as well as sending a powerful message around the globe to the terrorists who perpetrated this crime. And though the President is a big baseball fan, even serving as the managing general partner for the group that owned a controlling share in the Texas Rangers for a few years, he hasn’t played baseball competitively since high school and could use a few pointers to really send that white dot screaming across the plate. The President himself requested you as an instructor, as he is a big admirer of yours from your days with the Yankees. And I’m not just saying that to be nice, either; sometimes he’ll cancel a block of appointments with foreign dignitaries just to spend a couple of days holed up in the Oval Office poring over videos of your sublime 1978 season, particularly your 18-strikeout performance against the Angels.
I appreciate what a difficult position this must be for you, but your country needs you to answer the call. The American people need their President to display the strength and resolve that makes this country great, and of course we all want to see you returned safely to your family, so this represents a convergence of those interests. President Bush has said repeatedly to his advisers that he views this pitch as the most important act he’ll undertake during his Presidency, and he may well be right, considering that next week the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be meeting with the Vice President and various Cabinet members to discuss strategy in Afghanistan and elsewhere while he gets a guitar lesson from Eddie Van Halen. Oh, that reminds me: would you kindly place your hood into this laundry basket? We’ll need to have it cleaned before then.

September 2014