electronic mergency

Pardon me, friend. I hope I’m not assuming too much here, but if you’re looking for the Rose Room it’s right down that hallway past those elevators. Have you checked in yet? There’s a really helpful information packet they give you when you get your name tag; always helps the first-timers feel a little more comfortable. Me? Oh, this is my fourth go-round with Dr. Johsnon. No, that’s not a typo; he’s actually really particular about making sure people pronounce his name correctly, which they’ll spend some time on at the orientation session before breakfast. He also won’t pick up his order at Starbucks until the barista says the “Ph.D” at the end of his name. But I suppose once you’ve had the kind of success he’s had, you can afford to be finicky about some things, no? And Dr. Johsnon is definitely the real deal. It sounds cliche, but these seminars have changed my life. Before I listened to his audiobooks on changing your sneeze, I was just a mess out there. I could hear my friends, family and colleagues laughing behind my back every time allergy season came around, but I felt helpless to do anything about it. Like you, I was a little skeptical at first, but my life was so out of control that something simply had to change. Turns out I just had a Class IV mouse sneeze- pretty common, actually- and by Sunday night I was able to sneeze with the same confident, smooth delivery as my ex-wife’s new husband. I personally have seen Dr. Johsnon work actual miracles with people who had been suffering their entire lives while imprisoned by scream sneezes, yodel sneezes, even a few poor souls with slide whistle sneezes. In ’09 I heard a moving testimonial from a brave woman who had just been reissued her library card and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. This year I’m taking the advanced course, where Dr. Johsnon himself will be showing us how to refine our sneezing technique so that we can achieve, as the Tibetans do, a spiritual awakening in the moment our heart stops just before the release point. It’s the only way to counteract the considerable emotional damage done by forcibly altering immutable personal characteristics.

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September 2014

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